ohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygodohmygod. wednsday is our last day untill break. 2 days!....today was a good day. i went to stephs and then the chorus concert with her and kristina. school was good. im glad we got a 2 hour delay but really? coudlnt they just close school? stupid people.
yesterday was really fun. i went to my aunts and slept over. me and danielle made our own eggnog which tasted like puke....after lunch i went home and helped my dad out with the tree since we werent able to do it a couple days ago. i kinda realized we didnt have that many orniments as we did last year which is pretty weird consittering we didnt get rid of any...and we bought 3 more. lol odd. after i just chilled at home and went on the compter, talked to some ppl and then took a shower. the day was pretty boring but atleast i did sumthing. besides decorating the only other intersting part of my day was talking to two ppl ive liked in the past. one you would probally already know, but the other one you wouldn't untill i told u. me and him started talking last year and i started to really like him but then things went down hill from there. i thought he liked me at first but then things started to get weird. anyway, this year is sorta different, i dont see him as much anymore and hes been acting really nice to me latley. it actually seems like weve been gud friends fora long time. my gud friend asked if he'd ever go out wiff me and he said maybe which was sorta a gud thing cuz he said it proudly? nicely? and last year i knew there wudnt be a chance that we wud go out. im not guna hold on to the kid like a did before so i dont get hurt in the end. im just glad i have a little hope this time.
damn i am cold. i just spent over 3 hours outside helping sell christmas trees. we didn't get much sold but it was fun. christmas is coming and im very excited, weridly. im not usualy excited until the week of christmas but i guess u can say thats a gud thing. im going to my aunts around 3 to babysit my little cousin. hes adorable:]. oh. and i just want to say that you are one huge asshole. u are so mean to everyone and u think it's fine. u say that yer not and you defend me when ppl talk about me meanwhile u dont. u can't even lie. u talk about me behind my back and when i mention something u said, its always a bullshit excuse. shit thats not even true. u say that i wa sthe one mean to you but yet the whole time u manage to be one to me. i was never mean to you expect the day we broke up becasue of the things u said to me. apparently u can't deal with me. then why go out with me if u can't. and that u don't know why u talk to me? im sorry but if u don't like talking to me then don't. talk to someone else who's personality doesn't piss u off. like mine does. so stfu. fucking liar.
this week has gone by pretty fast, alotta ppl say it went slow but its how i see it. i can't believe how much work ive had to do, its crazy! atleast its done and i have the weekend to look foward to. im dressing up tomarrow for halloween and im kinda scared? xD im being battman (girl form) and i can picture it now. im gunna walk ina nd no one else is going to be wearing it except my friends...like the night of the homecoming dance...ohboy. haha. altho im scared im excited! i love halloween, and i really dont care what my mom or dad say about dressing up or trick or treating. im still a kid and its the one holiday ppl actually can be one.
its kinda bad how long i havn't writtenn...so, my day was good. i woke up and i wasnt really that tierd like i usually am, i knew today would be gud, i just hada feeling. I stayed after to hangout with mike and tom. pretttty awesome. this week? pretty great too. ive had my ups and downs but whatever. Im glad to know that you like me, it just sometimes doesnt seem like that. idk why. i guess cause yew never told me, ive only heard it form other people. so yah, im waitin on yew. Idk what happened about that last guy, the same problem happened, he didnt tell me how he felt and it kinda just drifted apart. atleast i know what i wana do tho. im not the confused girl i was weeks ago. i just hope things will stay this way. i want this relationship to last, not drift away like they always have.
i havtah say today was a great day. school went by quickly but the rest of the day felt so long. I stayed after school with most of my friends and then went home wiff steph and kristina but later went to chilis including hallie. that was a pretty...interesting night...haa. i don't like to fight a lot but i wanted to tonite, it was really kinda funny. some people are just obnoxious...ANYWAYS. theres really nothing to write about for today. i guess ill go to bed now.
havnt written in 5 days? thats a problem. ahaha. life hasnt been much differnt except that i wana lose some weight, not alot. ive been exercising and tryign to eat good, and so far im doin okay. hopefully i shall look gud on my birthday :D. one other thing is about my best friend. she keeps getting hurt and it bothers me to know that yer doing that to her. of course im still friends with yew, but yew tell people one thing and change your mind within another. make up your mind and deal with it. im not the one hoo shud be saying this but common?yew run away from her but then go back and wind up leaving again to leave her there so she can cry. its not fair. besides that, ive really had alot on my mind lately. its just so stressful. everything hits me at once and idk what to do. i don't know how to react to things anymore. whatever. life moves on. music usually makes things worse but today it actaully kinda helped. well ima ride my bike thingy now. byee.
things havent really gone as plaaned for me latley. of course im really happy lately, im not going to lie. But this thought of confusion is still stuck in my head. it wont go away. i tried to ignore it, but it keeps coming back and hitting me in the face. i don't know why i even feel this way. i rly dnt even know how to feel anymore. I've been stressing life becasue of this crap. this week i havnt. being stressed is not what i wanna be. im just gonna live life, keep doing what im doing, and what ever happens will happen. Im not saying im gonna live it like charlie did from summer reading book and not participate in life. thats the total oppisite of what i want. im also not gonna sit here and pick at what bothers me. im not going to waist my time listing of whats bad in my life. If something so small bothers yew, why let it bother yew? we don't know when our time is up, so just live life and have fun with it. don't focus on the worst parts of your day or life and make time for things yew like to do.
havnt had much to say latley well, actually, i rly have no way of xplaining things. i have to start off saying that i havnt been happy since the beginning of school and to tell yew the truth, i dont know why. i guess everything hit me at once. some days were good and then others were just terrible and i had no idea how deal with this. this might sound stupid but going to church last sunday helped me realize that we should be happy in life. of course shit happens in life, god didnt want life perfect. without out downfalls, mistakes, losses, life wouldn't be worth living. everything would work out perfect and life would be pretty dull. we were choosen by god to live and thats a huge gift enough. we shouldnt be worrying about those things that bother us most and actually start seeing the good life has brought to us. this week i was actually feeing happy until friday came. i was having a prety good day until something so stupid was bothering me, i cant even remember what it is. i was alright for the rest of the day and when my dad got home i just crashed. i don't know why this happens. in the past i cried over you nd now im crying over nothing?!really?...well after that night pasted by i actually felt pretty good. i guess i needed to. this week end ive been really happy and i want to keep it that way. yesterday i went to see relient k and 2 other bands that were really good. soo overall it was amzin :) we were barricade!!!!!! whoot!!!!
shit man! i havnt wrote latley. ive had so much homework. BLAH. ...my day was okay. normal school day. my life hasn't been pretty interesting latley. all i did was stay after for camera club but there was no camera club, whatever dood! so i went home and did tons of my homework with stephanie. the only free time i had was to write this. screw teachers! ive been thinking latley about my parents. idk, its so random but i always understand what my moms going through. I understand her so much. its like what ever she notices, i notice. Even when shes ina bad mood shell still make an effort to say "how was your day?" or "how was school? any drama?" She doesnt even expect me to ask her back. Shes always doing for other people and doesnt always focus on her problems. I guess thats why i can say i love her. and don't get me wrong, i do love my dad too but for these past couple of years he gets in moods easily. He RARELY ever cares how my day went. He's always out. I can sit here and name a million flaws about him. But nothing really comes to mind when i think about the good things. all i can say is that he cares about me and that i can joke around with him...its really kinda sad when you think about it...
so ive been sick for these past couple of days but im almost fine now. thursday was the worst day so far. i havnt been so upset ever since the day on the bus but tht wasn't as bad. i wasn't having a good day as it was, all through out school i felt like shit. i just wanted to go home and fall asleep but that never happens. i always wind up going on the computer and getting off at 11. ahaha. turns out going on the computer wasnt such a good idea. my friend told me how his mom hasa drinking problem and has alot of other things going on and how he just wants to runa way from everything. and ik how he feels when he says that. i really felt bad for him tho. i started to cry almost like it was happening to me? idk. i dnt like when my friends are upset. a lot of the time im upset becasue my friends are upset. it may not seem it, but i am...you also told me about how i acted toward yew before we were really gud friends and i just have to say im really sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you at all. honest. i was stupid and had alotta issues running through my head, i culdnt take the stress any longer. besides that, i felt like yew were mad at me that day and i rly didn't know why, but i felt kinda lousy, and i felt like a bad friend. so im sorry for that too if i hert yew...i also felt lonley, confused, idk what was rong with me, everything hit me at once and i was just not having a good day. i wanted to runa way like my friend wanted to. i knew i wasn't going to though. friday i first wished i coulda went to school so i wouldnt miss work and then have fun at the pep rally but apparently it was boring as hell and stupid. soo im glad about that and im also glad i was feeling well enuff to go to the homecoming dance....so yah, we showed up in dresses wen everyone else was casual. our lives! ahaha. but we got threw it and sucked it up and it actually turned out to be an amazing time dancing with my friends, love them. i was so tired afterwards but i couldnt fall asleep. that always happens, even when im not sick at all. that had to be the worst nights sleep ever ahah. i woke up every hour x_x. after sleeping i woke up today early and watched some music videos to wake me up. suprisingly my brother couldnt sleep either, go figure. i went to homecoming round 2:30 with mah best friends. commack won 14 to 7! finally! we always lose no joke lmao. after the game i had to come home, im grounded...wonderful. well atleast its not during summer where i wouldnt be able to see anyone. im actually pretty happy today, im not rly upset about anything accept some little things. i feel like u never even notice me. why do i always have to be the one to come over to you. atleast make an effort. u did this before, and i dnt want it to happen again. it relly bothers me. why has every other guy tried to make an effort. the guy i actually really like can't even make a first move here. i dnt understand. im not pissed aobut it, im just upset about it. but whatever, its life, if thats the way yew are i guess ill accept it.
yesterday wasnt anything special.
i havnt written in these past 2 days but whatever. this weekend was reallyyy gud. on friday me and steph kinda hung out for alittle and then kristen and sean came over to make stephs gift so we can prepare for her party. everything was coming out so good. i was so excited! hehe. afterwards me and sean walked to kristens because she was having all our friends at her house. i had a good talk with someone that made me really think but im not guna tell yew about any of that, its kinda personal. the next day me and kristen finished up stephs present. it looked so cute! the album and the box. all of a suddon steph calld and said that she was on her way over and i herd her car dinging. as soon as i hung up i raced down the stairs with the gift and the supplys so she didnt see anything! i wanted this to turn out perfect. unfortunatly, no one answered their phones to know that i was on my way and there they were 3 of them missing kristen sitting there in the kitchen caught off guard. i was so upset, i wanted everything to turn out perfect but it didn't. but whatever. things never turn out perfect. besides the suprising part, the party was really fun. we all walked/rode bikes to sawmill a couple blocks down. we went on the swings and took pictures and stuff. i have to say that night was so nice, its just so hard to explain it. as we all sat ina circle playing truth or dare i laid down for a few minutes looking at the stars. it was so peaceful like nobody was even there. but then i got back up and it was my turn to do a dare. all of us had to do something sexy or preverted but funny (it was pretty histerical). we were having alota fun but then we had to go back cuz it was getting late. we were so tired. all of us just plopped on the couch lol. that night was great :). today was alright, i went to church and then my mom took me shopping for an hour. i was pretty suprised she offered, she never wants to go shopping with me. i got a new shirt, underwear and jewery. everything was on sale too! whoot! the rest of the day i had to do homework since i rly didnt have time ot do anything this weekend. luckily i have free time now, i shud be studying but ik enuf to do good. ill study alittle more when im done writing this.
i have to say today was the best day of the school year so far. i actually did something fun beside school work. i only had to study alil and then me and steph went to the varsity football game. it was really a fun time. we didn't see the whole game but atleast we got to see half and get out of the house! tonite i met 4 new people which is rly weird consitering just yesterday i said i wanted to meet some new people. that made me really happy that i got what i wanted so fast. i also saw a couple of friends i knew in my classes and friends in general. i saw you today and it made me alil upset seeing yew...and yer girlfriend but thats okay because other days it's much worse. today was still a great day from the start. i got to school and even that i was sitting in boring extra help, i still felt like today was gunna be awesome. i rly dont know why but it did. every thing went rite today except not doing so well on my math quiz and how steph was upset. i don't understand how u think u don't ignore her because yew do. the least yew can do is act lyk a gud friend to her. well yah so that really all i have to say, i have to study a bit more for global so i know the stuff for tomarrow. night<3
school wasn't what i expected. this morning i was happy wen i walked out that door and it all colapsed during math. im feel so stressed but im probally just over reacting. i feel like im going to lose my friends (ovs not u 3) and just become a loner. its not gunna happen but its how i feel. i sit alone in almost all my classes. it sucks. last year i had so many friends, idk what happened. it feels differnt this year, way differnt. thingss are starting to get more serious and more work is given. i keep saying these year mite turn out amazing but i really have no hope right now of taht happening. theres no one new to meet. its the same people from last year. and all the people i did meet turn out horrible. the girls i met are so differnt from me. were seperate ppl and its like im never guna become great friends with them. all the guys i met have girl friends. its really upseting to try and meet new people when its not even possible of trying to get to know them or like them if im talking about guys. but ill just have to try and be happy about things. i look at otehr people sometimes and wonder how they ahve so many friends and others i wonder if they have any friends at all. it kinda makes me feel good that atleast i do have a decent amount of friends. i told some of how i felt to you and ull never understand how i feel. not until things are better between us which isnt happening ever or for a while. today i basicly ignored the world and im sorry for acting so strange today. idk whats with me latley. i feel like i need to meet someone, someone new who isn't what i said before. just that will make me happy.
so i decided that im going to start writing in my blog everyday (thank yew stephanie). Even if i don't really have anything on my mind, just what i did during the day and a couple other things...just gettin it out there. Today was an okay day. I was kinda stressed from the load of work i had to do yesterday and today. i knew 10th grade was gunna be a bit stressful but not this bad. My goal is to HOPEFULLY get things done so i dont have to worry about things on the last day. less work makes everyone a happier person, especially me. thank god i got all my fuckin work done! now i can dance around my room while music is playing... :) besides school everything went well today. The only thing that really bothered me was the bus ride home. idk, whenever i see him i get this knot in my stomach. my brain is telling me to talk and just be yourself but all that really comes out of me is a hi and a smile, a laugh sometimes. u can always make me smile but you can't ever make me happy. i see you and i completely feel like a need to smile. Maybe its just because i need to let him no im okay without him or that im happy. The thing is im not. I got on that bus today and i wasn't feeling myself, my stomach hurt, my head hurt, i felt stupid and idk why. it was the weirdest thing ever. I get these random times of sadness where i just want to take out my ipod and listen to depressing love song. A lot of the time they make me feel better. i wonder why but i couldnt tell you, i honestly have no clue.
last night had to be the worst night for me. i sat there from 10 to 12:30 trying to fall asleep and it just wasnt happening. I just laid there trying to think of anything i cud think of to make me fall asleep and that wen i started to cry just alittle bit. its a very sad thing wen theres no one on yer mind at night. i always thought of yew before bed. Not lately at all but thats when the memories started hitting me...hard. i rembered all the times we had together. every single one. the memories made me happy at first and then it turned into sadness and then fustration. i rly didnt know what was wrong with me. i havnt had serious thought about him for a while. When i had that moment of silence to think, he came to mind. It doesnt nessisarily mean i miss him, but i miss having someone who cares about me as much as i care about them. someone who no matter what happens, they still come back to yew in the end. that one guy who you can count on and that one guy who yew feel completely comfortable taking his hand to hold. idk why but there isnt anyone who made me feel lyk yew did. maybe this is a sign that i can't handle a boyfriend. maybe its not. i rly have no idea. with all that in mind i fell asleep eventually and woke up the next day. i got ready and then steph came over before we left. i made my way to the corner of Valmont and Abbey. There i took my first steps onto the 6:55 bus. I was a bit anxious at first but then the feeling faded. i was soo tired this morning and still now. everyone was like a zombie walking into class, including me lmao. As i walked into 1st period, english i looked around nervously for a seat hoping ide se my friend and there they were sitting in the corner with one seat open. This was the first class of 10th grade. oh. my. god. I was bored already. My lunch was actually the only gud period including global cuz steph was in it but my teacher is so strict x_x. i have a quiz on the 2nd day of school. idk what shes thinking...! Isn't the first day of school supossed to be fun kinda? i thought so but it wasnt. Even though i found some people to talk to in each class it still sucked. Well whateverr, let's hope the rest of this year will be good.
well its the first day of september and the last days of my summer. only one more week! damn. i was excited for school like a week ago and now im not so sher if im ready to go back. the thought of doing work every night isnt a joyful thing to think of, lmao. i just wana see all my friends again and not have to do work. Well whatever im not guna sit here and complain. so anyways, im enjoying the last bit of summer. i went to the mall this afternoon wiff ralph and tom frushi, i havnt seem any of them lyk all summer! excpet ralph like 2 times. It was rly fun. i got one shirt and a new backpack that not retarded lyk my other xD. Ralph and Tom have to be 2 of my best friends, even if i barley see tom but me and him act lyk we are. I shud hang with him more often. then at 6 i went to jakes house wiff abunch of people and i have to say it was rly fun. we walked all the way to tropical smoothie and back. the only part that wasnt so fun was the end but it was kinda relaxingg. mosquitoes are the worst!! lmao. it was nice seeing everyone, i havnt seen them ina while kinda.
So much for this year being so fun. I only have friends in my lunch period and everyone else whos in my other classes i barley talk to. Well, maybe this is an opportunity to make new friends, who knows. i want to be positive about this year but it doesn't seem to be happening. kristina barley doesnt have anyone either so hopefully im able to switch into one of her classes :]. sooo yeah, im rly scared. hopefully its a good year wiff gud teachers and gud friendships. who knows, this year could be so unexpected. only future will tell. soo anyway, today was a rlyyyy gud day. i woke up and it was raining which is usually depressing but it wasn't. i have no idea why but i sat there looking out my den window...happy? i guess i was having a gud day. i walked downstairs and sat at the computer talking to old friends. Im starting to gain back my old friends and that just makes me happy as anything. even just talking to them and knowing whats new in their life is enough to make me feel better. yesterday i saw 2 old friends that i was dying to see! i ran up to the two of them and it might sound creepy but it felt so nice to hug them. I missed them so much. although they still have their issues they're getting much better. I think everyone is getting better actually. we all have our promblems im not gunna lie. Im glad things are getting back to normal. I now have new friends, old friends, and my best friends who ive been with for like ever. Who knows, maybe school will change things again. Hopefully it doesnt becasue i know that theres basicly only 1 maybe 2 weekend days that i can see friends, the other is studying. so its going to be hard to see everyone and keep in touch with all of them. but ending ina good note, ill try my best to make this the best year yet :]. oh wait! i also went to the elwood shopping center to hangout with hallie, kristen and mike. It was soo fun. unfortunatly steph couldnt go becasue it was too late and my dad had to pick us up early. we went to dunken dounuts and carvel. ov course we get stared at by creepy guys out the window. one guy had his face up against the window, the other was just looking and ov course there was one with his hand down his pants. quite....interesting. the best part was going home and laughing about funny ass videos! yah. its what we do. lmao.
Today was an average day. Slept over my cousins' house and woke up. Steph drove us all to dunken dounuts and then went to steph's batting practice. going to that made me relized how much i missed playing softball but sports nowa days are too competetive for me. I like softball for the fun of it. of course i want to win but that not why i played for those 8 years. afterwerds my aunt denise rode us to my house to swim for atlittle. too bad jen had to go to practice, she coulda stayed longer but thats alright. my mom made tacos for dinner for the whole family and i have to say they're always so amazing. even that the food was good there is always a fight at the dinenr table. Its always something i do too, or say. Whatevr it is my family yells at me about it. My dad says im a drama queen? he shud rly take a look in the mirror becasue to be honest he acts like a little girl in middle school. according to him everyone picks on him and treats him like a child which no one does. My mom just cares about him and gets worried sometimes. and the reason i get mad at him is becasue he complains about things that i do that he does too. my mom and me were laughing about how he always gets so emotional and i said he was a dramaqueen. yah. he didnt find that too amuzing..im not guna go into detail aobut this, its too stupid of a topic. during dinner the topic of school came up. & it made me think how school is approaching. ugg, im kinda scared for a couple of reasons. one is because work is going to be 10 times harder this year consittering im going threw 2 years of spanish in one year!! (ib), im taking trig and im also going to be in the hardest science there is...chemestry. Im not looking foward to this at all. 9th grade was hard enough and now i have to go threw this and knowing its more serious just tops it off. One other reason is what if no ones in my classes? i like the friends i have now and i dnt want to loose any. now theres only weekends to hangout, every other day is school. friends come and go as they say so im hoping i meet some new ones too. (: i mean, ov course im scared and so is everyone, but im also kind of excited. meeting new people, seeing old friends, actually being excited for the weekend to come. this year is going to be one interesting year, i can tell. freshman year was nothing i expected and itll probally be the same for this year.
today was a semi gud day so far. i slept at kristens and then went to the marriot and the sheridon hotel to look at sweet sixteen rooms. I wound up liking the sheridon much better consittering u got more fro yer money. Im so excited, you dnt even know! ahaha. Hopefully i get a good dj and my party turns out to be good. After that i went home and went on the computer fora bit. i started talking to this kid nick i met in new orleans from nebraska. he's a rly nice guy and i wish there was more guys like him down in new york :( he said he mite be able to come down to long island and come visit me for my birthday! dought its gunna happen but that would be amazing, love that kiddd. well anyways, im guna do something productice and maybe read my summer reading book. byee!
(8:00)i just got home yesterday night from lake george. It was a fun family vacation and it was the one time i actually had a gud time with my little cousin. Shes much older now and alot more mature. Yet i still see the 6 year old in her. Anyway, today was a great day. i hung out with kristina all day and im still. I never really hang out with her as much as some other ppl, but i have to say she is one of the bestest friends i could ever have. "or u could buy a pedafile!" "buy a pedafile what are u saying?!" lmao, i love this family. I was supossed to hang out with ppl at matts house or just hangout with steph but she oviously doesnt want to hang out with me. Yah. i know you lied because yer mom is hangingout with my mom. you coulda just said that u have someone over becasue i know that i like to hangout with differnt ppl alone. It doesnt always have to be a whole group of ppl, it could just be 2 hanging out. I dont see the big deal. U always said that ppl shud be able to hangout with only one other person and u dnt have to invite anyone else. ppl shudnt get mad right? but your mad about something that U said u shouldnt be mad over. Im not mad at u but im just annoyed. u said u wanted to see me and i said i wanted to hang but i was seeing kristina first. U decided to say u couldnt so yer loss. Whatever, i hate fighting with you. So im just gunna watch full house with kristina :D
so im sitting here and im suposed to do laundry but ill do the rest later and then pack. I felt like i needed to write. i had all these thoughts in my head and i needed to write them down. I really miss him like crazy and seeing pictures of me and him just made it worse. I wish things were back to what they were. When the whole old group was friends. But Ide also want to be friends with my new group. I love them too much to just leave them. Some people wouldnt agree with wishing our old friends back but who cares. I might hang out with them this week since he's probally free. Hopefully it happenes because everytime we plan it it just doesnt happen. I want to be back in his life and my old friends' life again and ide do a lot to make my wish come true. Ide be alot happier and maybe ide have a chance with him. I know none of this is going to happen because everyone has moved on besides ralph and wouldn't want to be friends again. A lot of this has to do with her. She was mean to them and they couldnt stand it. Pretty soon it was awkward to be around them and everyone was at eachothers throats. Well, friends come and go and thats the way it works. Life sucks a lot of the time. A lot of it is stress and suffering and no one can change that. I wish a lot of things but they arn't gunna come true. You arn't coming back, you have a girlfriend, you moved on. And i can't change that no matter how much i try. I rly like talking to you and im glad your tlking to me again but being together is out of the question so im just going to suck it up. Ov course ill still like you, i always will,but i realized that everyone moves on and i need to. Like someone said, "if you love someone, let it go. if it comes back to you, its your's forever. if it doesn't, the it wasn't ment to be." So im going to find myself a guy just like him who makes me feel the way he did. The guy who likes me now doesnt show it and that makes me like him less and less. My good guy friend talks to me more and gives me more "affecion" than he does. I know he's shy and he hasn't had a gf but u can atleast show it. Steph says that i need to actually go out with him or to be in a semi-relationship with him to see how he acts but ik hell treat me the same way. If not now, not ever. Idk, i feel like im friends with him and i don't get excited when i hang out with him. I don't have butterflies when im around him. I think i just loved his personality rather than HIM. The best thing for me now is to stay single and just wait paciently for that one special guy. I want to be excited when he calls. I want a guy who gives me butterflies. I want that guy who tells me i look pretty when i don't. I want a guy who will go out of his way to get me something special or talk to me. Thats what i want. Its the guy i love, the guy i used to know. I want him back. Maybe the guy wont be you but hell have the same qualities and make me feel the same way.
im so glad ive been talking to you. It actually seems like you want to talk unlike a couple months ago. Maybe you miss me? dought it. If your girlfriend just went somewhere id be much easier, less stressful, less heartbreaking for me. Everyone around me is telling me to move on except my best friends. And believe me, its harder than you know. They don't know. I'm kind of mad and happy at the same time that he's talking to me. Because now i don't have to worry that he hates me and now there's hope that i can get things back but its going to be hard or even impossible. And at the same time i'm upset because what if he's completely moved on and there's no chance? Talking to him keeps me holding on but as i said what if there's no chance at all? now im wasting my time and itll be even harder for me to move on... what to do... idk and ill figure it out someway or another. Anyway, right now im with steph and after ill probally hang out with kristina, i wana see her so bad! i miss my zeeby :( me and steph are walking to target soon, so im gunna go get ready to go. write later possibly, probs not tho. goodbye<3
...if only brittany's head was kristina's. I've been thinking lately, if all my friends and I could just go back to 8th grade. the grade where barley any drama happened. before everyone has stress and bad things in their lives. 8th grade was the best year ever. The best teachers and friends. There was no worries, only school ones. There was no fights except one and i didn't even mind becasue she isnt really worth it now. School wasn't such a hasle and as important as it is now. It was the grade where everyone went out with a guy and had no problem breaking their heart. Of course you felt bad but it wasn't really consitered "dating." If we could just go back in time and do it all over again, i would. I'de do anything to bring me and my friends to that time period. and back to their time of happiness. Right now im really not that happy. Everyone isnt happy. Everyone has problems and even if it's not my problem, i still care and it does affect me. I don't like to see my friends upset. Im also upset about what i talked about last time. Thats my issue. I want these issues not to matter like they didnt in 8th grade. 
so yahhh, i feel like i havnt written in my blog in forever, i guess i havnt had the time but now i do. Theres not much to say about my day except that i went in the pool and hungout with my brother all day, then went out to dinner with my dad. not much of a day at all :/, got kinda wasted. i wish i coulda went out somewhere like to the church thing i was suposed to go to or maybe someones house to hangout with mah friends. whatever, theres plenty more days ahead. tomarrow im seeing steph and it shall be pretty funnnn. Afterwards jens comin here and sleepover. So im looking foward to this :).
The start of my summer? simply amzing. Especially yesterday, that was one of the best days i've had ina long time. A lot of us went to stephs house including me kristina kristen sean hallie max tommy dan and matt. When we first got there we just sat around and talked, made brownies and ate pizza. Good way to start off. Afterwards we sat by the fire and roasted marshmellos and later played man hunt- wasnt much of a game consitering everyone hid behind trees haha. We all got tired and sat down on her front lawn and thats when the fun really began. I didnt want the night to end despite all the mosquitos biting my legs!
Yesterday me and steph "hung out", wasnt really much of that. she was really upset and sometihng was bothering her and didnt tell me why but i kind of figured everything out on my own. i understand why shes upset, i dnt blame her. I really think she needs to smile more and be happy with herself. It would really help her out. Like someone said in the past, its easier to fall then to pick ur selve up. fight, be strong and pull ur self up" well after ward joan drove me home and i walked in my house to find kristen and kristina eating oreos, lmao<3 about 15 minutes later sean picked us up to go to her house. We all had a good time making salads, swinging form exercise machine thingys, talking to henry, and drinking iced coffee. Later at night we all decided we wanted to sleep at seans house but that didnt exactly go as planned. Kristina wound up sleeping at kristens and i slept at seans. i usually dnt hangout with just sean but we had fun making southpark cahraters by ourself ;p, we gotta hang out more often<3 we both woke up around 10, did our make up and went out the door to go to kristens house for breakfast. Kristen makes amzing french toast and pancakes...pink pancakes to be correct ahaha. At about 12:30 i walked home alone. I was kinda mad i couldnt go anywhere but at the same time iwasnt. It was a pretty relaxing day. I got to finish up most of my bird painted for my dad and layed around, watched tv. After i got done with painting i got a bit hungry and i was really in the mood to cook something so i made myself a salad (just like yesterdayyy) and i have to say, i make a pretty damn good salad ;p. Anywaysss, Im glad i dont have to worry about this anymore, u finally stepped up and asked me to hangout, im really glad you did. I hada fun time =] as for everyone else, i feel the same way but im over it. I just really miss you. I still wana hangout despite everything and im still really upset and Im still not over u but im trying. i really am. ps. i really hope u had a sucky time at prom. js. :)
...I really kinda stopped believing in this saying. I always try and make things happen. why am i always the one trying to make things work? I always have to be the big person and say "hi" and why is that? i dont know. and i dont understand. i believe some people are just lazy or don't care...just like all 3 of u...wait actually 4 now. im sick and tired of it. I need to stop being the big person all the time. the problem is idk if i can stop. I want to hangout with all you guys and you say u want to see me but yet you do nothing about it. if you rly dont wana see me just tell me. i can take it. i may not like it but ill get over it. I know none of you will read this but here it is. You and me were together for awhile and then we fell apart. You moved on and got a girlfriend and i cant do anything about it. You say u want to be there for me and be my best friend still. The thing is your not making that happen. I try and invite you places but your always "busy"...probally busy with your annoying girlfriend. Well im trying one last time. This summer i plan on going to the movies with you and old friends. hopefully you will come and you wont be busy. YOU say you like me and I know you do. We've been good friends this year and i dont want to ruin that. I dont know how u like me because it sure doesnt seem like that. You almost ignore me. and yeah i only like u as a friend but that doesnt give you the right to not talk to me. is it that your shy? well u can be shy but still talk to me. Im always the one to say hi to you and start a conversation. even online. and you, yes you. You say you want to hangout and "u love me" but whos the one asking you to? yep. me. im the one asking. the last time you asked and i said i could and that you were free. But like ALWAYS, u cancel the plans.. oh yeah and i forgot "my best friend". She always has to "clean" and can rarley have people over anymore. i seriously think shes sick of us now. It was never a problem before and now all of a sudden it is. And I know all summer ull say the same thing and u wont ever be home. Last year i walked over and her moms aid the same thing everytime, "oh shes out". like its not fair. You say ur always home and no one invites you places but everyday we ask you u avoid us and don't call back, ur always busy. Its always a story with you and im fed up with being the one who asks you. when do u ever call me up asking for plans? never.
I really can't move on. I don't know what to do. I can't have anyone but you, no one is good enough. I miss you so much you don't even know. I miss how we used to hold hands, i miss hugging you, i miss seeing you, i miss everything. I want everything to go back to the way it was but i know its never going to happen. I want you to come back into my life and have things back to the beginning of freshman year. And as i sit here crying and thinking of what it would be like with you, i think back to homecoming. That was the day i let you go. i said 'i only want to be friends." why couldn't I just say "i want to get to know you better"? No. i had to end it flat, right then and there. and i regret it so much becasue now im alone and I don't want to move on. i don't want to believe theres someone else in your life other than me. I want that to be me holding your hand, not her. ugh i really need something to get my mind off him, but somethings telling me not to...i guess i'm just waiting for you to say "i made a mistake, i want you back." i don't know how long i'll be waiting but it's worth it if i get you in the end<3
I really wana get to know you more. I know alot already but there's so much to learn from one person. I just want to let you know, i want a friendship first and I don't wana ruin anything between us. If were not friends first and something happens then that's it. If we build a friendship that can even be a bit more, things could work out and if anything ever happened we can still be friends. My feelings are all mixed up and I'm still thinking. Idk if thinking about it is worse or just leaving it alone is. If I think too much about it I might just be making a decission becasue i feel its "the right thing to do" but if I do what my heart tells me then thats what ill do. I don't wana ruin anything with you like I did with other guys from future. I don't want you to think I don't care because I do and that's why I'm doing this. I hope you understand. The picture to the left says it all. i want to take the right path and have everything work out, but i just have to wait. 
yesterday was the last day of school. It wasn't bad but it couldve been better. Freshman year was the year I found out who my real friends are. It was the year of new love, new adventures, new fights, new everything. It was a great year but very drama filled. I'm glad everyone worked everything out...well almost everyone. 
