The start of my summer? simply amzing. Especially yesterday, that was one of the best days i've had ina long time. A lot of us went to stephs house including me kristina kristen sean hallie max tommy dan and matt. When we first got there we just sat around and talked, made brownies and ate pizza. Good way to start off. Afterwards we sat by the fire and roasted marshmellos and later played man hunt- wasnt much of a game consitering everyone hid behind trees haha. We all got tired and sat down on her front lawn and thats when the fun really began. I didnt want the night to end despite all the mosquitos biting my legs!
Today was a good day. I woke up and for once my family was in a good mood. When my familys happy, im happy. Around 2:30 me steph my mom and stephs mom went to sunken meadow-love themm!. It was a really hot day unlike the past couple of weeks-rainy, gross, & depressing. The water was actually pretty warm and i went in for a little bit. Quite refreshing =). We left around 5:30 and went back to my house to go in my pool and hangout. I was suppossed to go to my aunts house to see my cousin danielle but she wound up coming here to sleep over along with steph. Right now were just sitting here while i write this and danielle and kyle are playing guitar hero...cool kids, i must sayyy. Anyways, ive been really confused lately but i finally know what my feelings are. I don't know why u would think that of yourself becasue thats not true at all. I know some ppl look at that stupid stuff but i don't. im not that type of person to judge...or atleast not anymore. I used to use ppl and just go out with them for the heck of it. I only liked them for a little bit and never got the chance to know them. And i'm sorry, i regret doing it. No guy deserves that shit. And im not going to do the same thing to you.PS: this should be an interesting summer....

Yesterday me and steph "hung out", wasnt really much of that. she was really upset and sometihng was bothering her and didnt tell me why but i kind of figured everything out on my own. i understand why shes upset, i dnt blame her. I really think she needs to smile more and be happy with herself. It would really help her out. Like someone said in the past, its easier to fall then to pick ur selve up. fight, be strong and pull ur self up" well after ward joan drove me home and i walked in my house to find kristen and kristina eating oreos, lmao<3 about 15 minutes later sean picked us up to go to her house. We all had a good time making salads, swinging form exercise machine thingys, talking to henry, and drinking iced coffee. Later at night we all decided we wanted to sleep at seans house but that didnt exactly go as planned. Kristina wound up sleeping at kristens and i slept at seans. i usually dnt hangout with just sean but we had fun making southpark cahraters by ourself ;p, we gotta hang out more often<3 we both woke up around 10, did our make up and went out the door to go to kristens house for breakfast. Kristen makes amzing french toast and pancakes...pink pancakes to be correct ahaha. At about 12:30 i walked home alone. I was kinda mad i couldnt go anywhere but at the same time iwasnt. It was a pretty relaxing day. I got to finish up most of my bird painted for my dad and layed around, watched tv. After i got done with painting i got a bit hungry and i was really in the mood to cook something so i made myself a salad (just like yesterdayyy) and i have to say, i make a pretty damn good salad ;p. Anywaysss, Im glad i dont have to worry about this anymore, u finally stepped up and asked me to hangout, im really glad you did. I hada fun time =] as for everyone else, i feel the same way but im over it. I just really miss you. I still wana hangout despite everything and im still really upset and Im still not over u but im trying. i really am. ps. i really hope u had a sucky time at prom. js. :)

...I really kinda stopped believing in this saying. I always try and make things happen. why am i always the one trying to make things work? I always have to be the big person and say "hi" and why is that? i dont know. and i dont understand. i believe some people are just lazy or don't care...just like all 3 of u...wait actually 4 now. im sick and tired of it. I need to stop being the big person all the time. the problem is idk if i can stop. I want to hangout with all you guys and you say u want to see me but yet you do nothing about it. if you rly dont wana see me just tell me. i can take it. i may not like it but ill get over it. I know none of you will read this but here it is. You and me were together for awhile and then we fell apart. You moved on and got a girlfriend and i cant do anything about it. You say u want to be there for me and be my best friend still. The thing is your not making that happen. I try and invite you places but your always "busy"...probally busy with your annoying girlfriend. Well im trying one last time. This summer i plan on going to the movies with you and old friends. hopefully you will come and you wont be busy.                 YOU say you like me and I know you do. We've been good friends this year and i dont want to ruin that. I dont know how u like me because it sure doesnt seem like that. You almost ignore me. and yeah i only like u as a friend but that doesnt give you the right to not talk to me. is it that your shy? well u can be shy but still talk to me. Im always the one to say hi to you and start a conversation. even online.                 and you, yes you. You say you want to hangout and "u love me" but whos the one asking you to? yep. me. im the one asking. the last time you asked and i said i could and that you were free. But like ALWAYS, u cancel the plans..                   oh yeah and i forgot "my best friend". She always has to "clean" and can rarley have people over anymore. i seriously think shes sick of us now. It was never a problem before and now all of a sudden it is. And I know all summer ull say the same thing and u wont ever be home. Last year i walked over and her moms aid the same thing everytime, "oh shes out". like its not fair. You say ur always home and no one invites you places but everyday we ask you u avoid us and don't call back, ur always busy. Its always a story with you and im fed up with being the one who asks you. when do u ever call me up asking for plans? never.

now that thats out of the way, i have to say my day was absolutllyyyyyyyyyy....

BORING. i woke up at 10:30 and cleaned my whole kitchen spotless with steph. then i cleaned my room and moved my rabbit up to my room. i know my room looks a bit smaller with all the stuff i cram in there but its worth it. Now that i have a air purifier i wont be coughing and now that i have my bunny up there my room will be stinkier than ever! YAY. After we cleaned and did some more boring stuff we went to starbucks. Surprisingly we were able to do something semi fun. well yah. done writing for today, goodnight. i still love you :/

Today was really fun, i slept over hallies house with steph which was quite enjoyable. Later on at night we went to starbucks, i just got back. it was a really fun night.

Well i texted you all day and it made me kinda happy. Atleast it seemed like u wanted to talk to me unlike .. him :/ i'm just gunna keep waiting and see what happens in the future, i just don't know how long i'm willing to wait. i know i said ill wait as long as i have to but i never know when i'll just give up...ugh i just don't know what to do. my friends say "leave him alone and then hell miss you and text you. let him come to you." well idk how well thats gunna work. he just might not care or forget about me. I guess thats what i'm afraid of. i'm afraid of losing him and never seeing him again. but maybe ignoring him is best. Maybe if I let him come to me he'll relize how much he'll miss me and maybe i have a shot..i just don't think itll work out either way. he's still gunna like her and theres nothing i can do about it. I want to still see him but maybe seeing him isn;t the best of ideas. I'm just going to feel more depressed. I'm going to start liking him more and more and the fact i still know he's with her will kill me inside worse than ever. Maybe seeing other guys is better for me? I want to see other gutys becasue i do know there are better people out there. Of course he's sweet, charming, caring and all the qualities i like. I just think somewhere out there theres an even better guy. Some guy who goes through the same shit as me or even someone who just understands. I would love that. I know he's out there. That better guy. It's gunna take a while to find him though. I just want to fall in love and i want to be able to think about that person all the time and not have a dought in my mind he doesn't love me back.

He just made my night<3...just sayingggg.

I really can't move on. I don't know what to do. I can't have anyone but you, no one is good enough. I miss you so much you don't even know. I miss how we used to hold hands, i miss hugging you, i miss seeing you, i miss everything. I want everything to go back to the way it was but i know its never going to happen. I want you to come back into my life and have things back to the beginning of freshman year. And as i sit here crying and thinking of what it would be like with you, i think back to homecoming. That was the day i let you go. i said 'i only want to be friends." why couldn't I just say "i want to get to know you better"? No. i had to end it flat, right then and there. and i regret it so much becasue now im alone and I don't want to move on. i don't want to believe theres someone else in your life other than me. I want that to be me holding your hand, not her. ugh i really need something to get my mind off him, but somethings telling me not to...i guess i'm just waiting for you to say "i made a mistake, i want you back." i don't know how long i'll be waiting but it's worth it if i get you in the end<3

This picture above is one of the cutest pictures ever. I don't know what it is but ide love if a guy cuddled with me in a blanket. i find it adorable. I just hope that special guy comes along soon. I don't want it to be another relationship ill just throw away to the curb. i want a special one. Someone I love so much thats on my mind all the time. No, not some of the time, ALL the time. I want that special person I can be honest with, that guy I can tell everything to, one who will listen to me no matter how stupid i sound. and especially one i can be completely myself around and be able to hold him whenever i want. I want it so bad and i don't know how or when ill get it. i had that chance already but it was for a short amount of time. i couldn't even kiss the guy, i was so scared. i shud have done it. I don't know what i was thinking. i have no problem doing it now, why not then? i guess im just stupid. And becasue i let that one relationship slip away from me, i now sit here alone. no one can compare to him...i guess later in time ill find him again, that same guy but this time i know not to let it slip away

I really wana get to know you more. I know alot already but there's so much to learn from one person. I just want to let you know, i want a friendship first and I don't wana ruin anything between us. If were not friends first and something happens then that's it. If we build a friendship that can even be a bit more, things could work out and if anything ever happened we can still be friends. My feelings are all mixed up and I'm still thinking. Idk if thinking about it is worse or just leaving it alone is. If I think too much about it I might just be making a decission becasue i feel its "the right thing to do" but if I do what my heart tells me then thats what ill do. I don't wana ruin anything with you like I did with other guys from future. I don't want you to think I don't care because I do and that's why I'm doing this. I hope you understand. The picture to the left says it all. i want to take the right path and have everything work out, but i just have to wait.

I had a really good day today. I took my global final and i think i didnt do half bad. I'm not good at writing essays but i think i worked really hard and finally did good on one. After the test all my friends were there except hallie and we all went to kristens. yeah, going to a food store, eating tons of chex mix, tacos, baking cookies...well eating the cookie dough :P, and making hena tattos...yeah were pretty cool. after i hung out with everyone i went to stephs and we ate dinner and then i went home cuz she had a tudor. I got home and i was in the mood to paint so i started working on that bird project i didnt fvinish for art. its actually coming out really nice, i just might work on it in a bit. untill tomarrow ill write again <3.

yesterday was the last day of school. It wasn't bad but it couldve been better. Freshman year was the year I found out who my real friends are. It was the year of new love, new adventures, new fights, new everything. It was a great year but very drama filled. I'm glad everyone worked everything out...well almost everyone.

Anyway, after school me and this loser to the right of me hung out. It was a very emotional day but me and her both got threw the day. Washing our faces with the stuff on our faces was one way :)

Today was alright. I took my math regents and it turned out to be pretty easy. Hopefully 90's. I went to hallies after school today for a bit and we had a lotta fun. I know i say she can get annoying, which she can, but today was somewhat different. we rode our bikes to the food store and came home to make nachos- which were amazing. I have ot say, today wa sthe day i realized how much of a fatass i rly am ahaha. then after i went to stephs to "study" and later her and kristina come to my house to "study" but that didnt happennn, whatevs, we had alotta fun walking to target, getting stalked by mexicans in a red car, and making ourselves hena tattos :P love her!<3

My math test wasn't what made my day so eh. This morning my mom was telling me how hard it was for her and him to stop fighting. They both say stupid things they don;t mean and they got threw this before and hopefully they can fix it again. I just want their fighting to stop. it's been really worrying me a lot. I keep telling them to get help but he's not willing to listen..or listen to anything anyone says.

its late and i need sleep..NOW. night<3.

oh- tomarrow is my global final which i might do bad on :/ wish me luck.

So today I decided it would be a good idea to put this stuff on a blog insted of paper. I don;t really need this blog but its better than not telling anyone. I'm not the type of person to vent to someone about my problems. I like to help others with their problems even though I'm not good at it. I guess you can say I'm that type of person.

This picture to the left describes what happened to my brain these last couple of days. I havn't studied for finals, I didnt return my math textbook, I lost my phone, and I havn't been able to focus. Well at least i found my phone! that thing is my baby! idc how corny that sounds but I love it so much. I bring it everywhere, even the bathroom.. anyway I'm just so glad I'm getting it back tomarrow, i love that ladie!

well I REALLY shud be studying for math and take a shower.