shit man! i havnt wrote latley. ive had so much homework. BLAH. ...my day was okay. normal school day. my life hasn't been pretty interesting latley. all i did was stay after for camera club but there was no camera club, whatever dood! so i went home and did tons of my homework with stephanie. the only free time i had was to write this. screw teachers! ive been thinking latley about my parents. idk, its so random but i always understand what my moms going through. I understand her so much. its like what ever she notices, i notice. Even when shes ina bad mood shell still make an effort to say "how was your day?" or "how was school? any drama?" She doesnt even expect me to ask her back. Shes always doing for other people and doesnt always focus on her problems. I guess thats why i can say i love her. and don't get me wrong, i do love my dad too but for these past couple of years he gets in moods easily. He RARELY ever cares how my day went. He's always out. I can sit here and name a million flaws about him. But nothing really comes to mind when i think about the good things. all i can say is that he cares about me and that i can joke around with him...its really kinda sad when you think about it...

so ive been sick for these past couple of days but im almost fine now. thursday was the worst day so far. i havnt been so upset ever since the day on the bus but tht wasn't as bad. i wasn't having a good day as it was, all through out school i felt like shit. i just wanted to go home and fall asleep but that never happens. i always wind up going on the computer and getting off at 11. ahaha. turns out going on the computer wasnt such a good idea. my friend told me how his mom hasa drinking problem and has alot of other things going on and how he just wants to runa way from everything. and ik how he feels when he says that. i really felt bad for him tho. i started to cry almost like it was happening to me? idk. i dnt like when my friends are upset. a lot of the time im upset becasue my friends are upset. it may not seem it, but i am...you also told me about how i acted toward yew before we were really gud friends and i just have to say im really sorry. i didnt mean to hurt you at all. honest. i was stupid and had alotta issues running through my head, i culdnt take the stress any longer. besides that, i felt like yew were mad at me that day and i rly didn't know why, but i felt kinda lousy, and i felt like a bad friend. so im sorry for that too if i hert yew...i also felt lonley, confused, idk what was rong with me, everything hit me at once and i was just not having a good day. i wanted to runa way like my friend wanted to. i knew i wasn't going to though. friday i first wished i coulda went to school so i wouldnt miss work and then have fun at the pep rally but apparently it was boring as hell and stupid. soo im glad about that and im also glad i was feeling well enuff to go to the homecoming dance....so yah, we showed up in dresses wen everyone else was casual. our lives! ahaha. but we got threw it and sucked it up and it actually turned out to be an amazing time dancing with my friends, love them. i was so tired afterwards but i couldnt fall asleep. that always happens, even when im not sick at all. that had to be the worst nights sleep ever ahah. i woke up every hour x_x. after sleeping i woke up today early and watched some music videos to wake me up. suprisingly my brother couldnt sleep either, go figure. i went to homecoming round 2:30 with mah best friends. commack won 14 to 7! finally! we always lose no joke lmao. after the game i had to come home, im grounded...wonderful. well atleast its not during summer where i wouldnt be able to see anyone. im actually pretty happy today, im not rly upset about anything accept some little things. i feel like u never even notice me. why do i always have to be the one to come over to you. atleast make an effort. u did this before, and i dnt want it to happen again. it relly bothers me. why has every other guy tried to make an effort. the guy i actually really like can't even make a first move here. i dnt understand. im not pissed aobut it, im just upset about it. but whatever, its life, if thats the way yew are i guess ill accept it.
well im tired. its late. kidna dnt feel well. gudnight<3

yesterday wasnt anything special.

today could have been better, but overall it was good :). it was a boring school day, especially since steph wasnt here but oh well :/. im really glad im starting to do my homework right when i get home. this way i get free time to do whatever untill dinner time till wenever i go to bed! whoot!....so i talked to yew a lot today. its been nice talking to yew again. you really help take me out of my bad mood. before i started talking to yew i still had my mind set on someone else and i wasn't willing to loose that person or give up quite yet. i still had alittle bit of hope but i don't anymore. he doesn't matter anymore and im really glad. i guess thats what stopped me before from trying to get close with yew. well thats in the past and this is now. i hope the future turns out okay....dnt really have much else to say so...goodnight<3

so today was like any other, went to school, get home, ate, hung out with steph and kristina and then started to do my homework. all i really have to say is that im excited for homecoming and the dance too. WHOOT! uhh anyways...write tomarrow. peacee.

ps...im starting to wonder if i shoudve givin yew a chance :/ time will see.

i havnt written in these past 2 days but whatever. this weekend was reallyyy gud. on friday me and steph kinda hung out for alittle and then kristen and sean came over to make stephs gift so we can prepare for her party. everything was coming out so good. i was so excited! hehe. afterwards me and sean walked to kristens because she was having all our friends at her house. i had a good talk with someone that made me really think but im not guna tell yew about any of that, its kinda personal. the next day me and kristen finished up stephs present. it looked so cute! the album and the box. all of a suddon steph calld and said that she was on her way over and i herd her car dinging. as soon as i hung up i raced down the stairs with the gift and the supplys so she didnt see anything! i wanted this to turn out perfect. unfortunatly, no one answered their phones to know that i was on my way and there they were 3 of them missing kristen sitting there in the kitchen caught off guard. i was so upset, i wanted everything to turn out perfect but it didn't. but whatever. things never turn out perfect. besides the suprising part, the party was really fun. we all walked/rode bikes to sawmill a couple blocks down. we went on the swings and took pictures and stuff. i have to say that night was so nice, its just so hard to explain it. as we all sat ina circle playing truth or dare i laid down for a few minutes looking at the stars. it was so peaceful like nobody was even there. but then i got back up and it was my turn to do a dare. all of us had to do something sexy or preverted but funny (it was pretty histerical). we were having alota fun but then we had to go back cuz it was getting late. we were so tired. all of us just plopped on the couch lol. that night was great :). today was alright, i went to church and then my mom took me shopping for an hour. i was pretty suprised she offered, she never wants to go shopping with me. i got a new shirt, underwear and jewery. everything was on sale too! whoot! the rest of the day i had to do homework since i rly didnt have time ot do anything this weekend. luckily i have free time now, i shud be studying but ik enuf to do good. ill study alittle more when im done writing this.

well besides what ive done during this week ive been thinking. maybe he makes me upset because he was the only one i could feel ccompletely comfortable around. maybe it was because he was the only one who would go out of their way to say how pretty i was or how much i meant to them. no one else did that. no one else would hold my hand like you would. i compared every guy to you and i just want it to be the same. but ive realized that no one is ever going to be the same as you. and thats okay. im willing to deal with that. ive realized that the only reason you make me cry is because you make me feel alone. you changed so much and its the old you i miss too. maybe i cry becasue your happy nd im not. im pretty strong and im willing to give up trying. to be honest with you, i stopped trying a long time ago to get you back. its all over now, the only thing left is for me is to just b happy w/ wht i have now or whatever comes my way.

i have to say today was the best day of the school year so far. i actually did something fun beside school work. i only had to study alil and then me and steph went to the varsity football game. it was really a fun time. we didn't see the whole game but atleast we got to see half and get out of the house! tonite i met 4 new people which is rly weird consitering just yesterday i said i wanted to meet some new people. that made me really happy that i got what i wanted so fast. i also saw a couple of friends i knew in my classes and friends in general. i saw you today and it made me alil upset seeing yew...and yer girlfriend but thats okay because other days it's much worse. today was still a great day from the start. i got to school and even that i was sitting in boring extra help, i still felt like today was gunna be awesome. i rly dont know why but it did. every thing went rite today except not doing so well on my math quiz and how steph was upset. i don't understand how u think u don't ignore her because yew do. the least yew can do is act lyk a gud friend to her. well yah so that really all i have to say, i have to study a bit more for global so i know the stuff for tomarrow. night<3

school wasn't what i expected. this morning i was happy wen i walked out that door and it all colapsed during math. im feel so stressed but im probally just over reacting. i feel like im going to lose my friends (ovs not u 3) and just become a loner. its not gunna happen but its how i feel. i sit alone in almost all my classes. it sucks. last year i had so many friends, idk what happened. it feels differnt this year, way differnt. thingss are starting to get more serious and more work is given. i keep saying these year mite turn out amazing but i really have no hope right now of taht happening. theres no one new to meet. its the same people from last year. and all the people i did meet turn out horrible. the girls i met are so differnt from me. were seperate ppl and its like im never guna become great friends with them. all the guys i met have girl friends. its really upseting to try and meet new people when its not even possible of trying to get to know them or like them if im talking about guys. but ill just have to try and be happy about things. i look at otehr people sometimes and wonder how they ahve so many friends and others i wonder if they have any friends at all. it kinda makes me feel good that atleast i do have a decent amount of friends. i told some of how i felt to you and ull never understand how i feel. not until things are better between us which isnt happening ever or for a while. today i basicly ignored the world and im sorry for acting so strange today. idk whats with me latley. i feel like i need to meet someone, someone new who isn't what i said before. just that will make me happy.

its late, i didnt even shower yet. goodnight<3

so i decided that im going to start writing in my blog everyday (thank yew stephanie). Even if i don't really have anything on my mind, just what i did during the day and a couple other things...just gettin it out there. Today was an okay day. I was kinda stressed from the load of work i had to do yesterday and today. i knew 10th grade was gunna be a bit stressful but not this bad. My goal is to HOPEFULLY get things done so i dont have to worry about things on the last day. less work makes everyone a happier person, especially me. thank god i got all my fuckin work done! now i can dance around my room while music is playing... :) besides school everything went well today. The only thing that really bothered me was the bus ride home. idk, whenever i see him i get this knot in my stomach. my brain is telling me to talk and just be yourself but all that really comes out of me is a hi and a smile, a laugh sometimes. u can always make me smile but you can't ever make me happy. i see you and i completely feel like a need to smile. Maybe its just because i need to let him no im okay without him or that im happy. The thing is im not. I got on that bus today and i wasn't feeling myself, my stomach hurt, my head hurt, i felt stupid and idk why. it was the weirdest thing ever. I get these random times of sadness where i just want to take out my ipod and listen to depressing love song. A lot of the time they make me feel better. i wonder why but i couldnt tell you, i honestly have no clue.

last night had to be the worst night for me. i sat there from 10 to 12:30 trying to fall asleep and it just wasnt happening. I just laid there trying to think of anything i cud think of to make me fall asleep and that wen i started to cry just alittle bit. its a very sad thing wen theres no one on yer mind at night. i always thought of yew before bed. Not lately at all but thats when the memories started hitting me...hard. i rembered all the times we had together. every single one. the memories made me happy at first and then it turned into sadness and then fustration. i rly didnt know what was wrong with me. i havnt had serious thought about him for a while. When i had that moment of silence to think, he came to mind. It doesnt nessisarily mean i miss him, but i miss having someone who cares about me as much as i care about them. someone who no matter what happens, they still come back to yew in the end. that one guy who you can count on and that one guy who yew feel completely comfortable taking his hand to hold. idk why but there isnt anyone who made me feel lyk yew did. maybe this is a sign that i can't handle a boyfriend. maybe its not. i rly have no idea. with all that in mind i fell asleep eventually and woke up the next day. i got ready and then steph came over before we left. i made my way to the corner of Valmont and Abbey. There i took my first steps onto the 6:55 bus. I was a bit anxious at first but then the feeling faded. i was soo tired this morning and still now. everyone was like a zombie walking into class, including me lmao. As i walked into 1st period, english i looked around nervously for a seat hoping ide se my friend and there they were sitting in the corner with one seat open. This was the first class of 10th grade. oh. my. god. I was bored already. My lunch was actually the only gud period including global cuz steph was in it but my teacher is so strict x_x. i have a quiz on the 2nd day of school. idk what shes thinking...! Isn't the first day of school supossed to be fun kinda? i thought so but it wasnt. Even though i found some people to talk to in each class it still sucked. Well whateverr, let's hope the rest of this year will be good.

well its the first day of september and the last days of my summer. only one more week! damn. i was excited for school like a week ago and now im not so sher if im ready to go back. the thought of doing work every night isnt a joyful thing to think of, lmao. i just wana see all my friends again and not have to do work. Well whatever im not guna sit here and complain. so anyways, im enjoying the last bit of summer. i went to the mall this afternoon wiff ralph and tom frushi, i havnt seem any of them lyk all summer! excpet ralph like 2 times. It was rly fun. i got one shirt and a new backpack that not retarded lyk my other xD. Ralph and Tom have to be 2 of my best friends, even if i barley see tom but me and him act lyk we are. I shud hang with him more often. then at 6 i went to jakes house wiff abunch of people and i have to say it was rly fun. we walked all the way to tropical smoothie and back. the only part that wasnt so fun was the end but it was kinda relaxingg. mosquitoes are the worst!! lmao. it was nice seeing everyone, i havnt seen them ina while kinda.

'Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are." -bernice johnson regon : idk why but this quote kinda made me think today. the stress i go through, even if its just stupid shit helps me define myself asa person. hmphh.

well im getting rly tired and i can't even thing of anything else to say so gudnight

ps: orientation tomarrow! and then watching kristina's doggies!!!! :)<3