i havnt written in my blog for a long while becasue i went to new orleans for a whole week. have to say one of the best trips of my life time. Not to sound faggy but going to new orleans made me a more religous persona nd made me look at things in a differnet way. There are ppl out there who are less fortunate and have to work really hard for their money. Most dont even work but struggle to find a job which to me is hard "work." People were shocked that we went down there on our free time to help them out. Them seeing us help out made them have hope that their town can be a better place. Well beside the work that we did to help out we went to some fun places like the convetion ceter where there was a bungie jump, zip line, bumper cars and differnt areas to paint and just talk. and then at night we all went to the super dome which was where all the lutheran volenteers went to have a gud time andf listen to speakers tell their story. On the trip i also met a unch of ppl who were much nicer than new yorkers. In new york everyone is all "gangster" but where other ppl come from they actually...normal hahah. i met more guys on this trip then i did in my entire life time on long island. funny huh? lmao. ill never forget that trip, new orleans or "nalens" 09!

Besides the vacation i just want to say im over u completely. u had yer chance and u didnt take it. ill still talk to u bt im just done. im moving on faster than i thought. i like the fact of being single but i dnt. i rly want a guy who i rly like and some guy who likes me back. ive met so many guys on vacation and 3 stick in mind but im too young for a long distance relationship andide rather a guy from ny or near me. so im just gunna keep on waiting for that special guy, hell come around, just not now.

so true.

so im sitting here and im suposed to do laundry but ill do the rest later and then pack. I felt like i needed to write. i had all these thoughts in my head and i needed to write them down. I really miss him like crazy and seeing pictures of me and him just made it worse. I wish things were back to what they were. When the whole old group was friends. But Ide also want to be friends with my new group. I love them too much to just leave them. Some people wouldnt agree with wishing our old friends back but who cares. I might hang out with them this week since he's probally free. Hopefully it happenes because everytime we plan it it just doesnt happen. I want to be back in his life and my old friends' life again and ide do a lot to make my wish come true. Ide be alot happier and maybe ide have a chance with him. I know none of this is going to happen because everyone has moved on besides ralph and wouldn't want to be friends again. A lot of this has to do with her. She was mean to them and they couldnt stand it. Pretty soon it was awkward to be around them and everyone was at eachothers throats. Well, friends come and go and thats the way it works. Life sucks a lot of the time. A lot of it is stress and suffering and no one can change that. I wish a lot of things but they arn't gunna come true. You arn't coming back, you have a girlfriend, you moved on. And i can't change that no matter how much i try. I rly like talking to you and im glad your tlking to me again but being together is out of the question so im just going to suck it up. Ov course ill still like you, i always will,but i realized that everyone moves on and i need to. Like someone said, "if you love someone, let it go. if it comes back to you, its your's forever. if it doesn't, the it wasn't ment to be." So im going to find myself a guy just like him who makes me feel the way he did. The guy who likes me now doesnt show it and that makes me like him less and less. My good guy friend talks to me more and gives me more "affecion" than he does. I know he's shy and he hasn't had a gf but u can atleast show it. Steph says that i need to actually go out with him or to be in a semi-relationship with him to see how he acts but ik hell treat me the same way. If not now, not ever. Idk, i feel like im friends with him and i don't get excited when i hang out with him. I don't have butterflies when im around him. I think i just loved his personality rather than HIM. The best thing for me now is to stay single and just wait paciently for that one special guy. I want to be excited when he calls. I want a guy who gives me butterflies. I want that guy who tells me i look pretty when i don't. I want a guy who will go out of his way to get me something special or talk to me. Thats what i want. Its the guy i love, the guy i used to know. I want him back. Maybe the guy wont be you but hell have the same qualities and make me feel the same way.

im so glad ive been talking to you. It actually seems like you want to talk unlike a couple months ago. Maybe you miss me? dought it. If your girlfriend just went somewhere id be much easier, less stressful, less heartbreaking for me. Everyone around me is telling me to move on except my best friends. And believe me, its harder than you know. They don't know. I'm kind of mad and happy at the same time that he's talking to me.  Because now i don't have to worry that he hates me and now there's hope that i can get things back but its going to be hard or even impossible. And at the same time i'm upset because what if he's completely moved on and there's no chance? Talking to him keeps me holding on but as i said what if there's no chance at all? now im wasting my time and itll be even harder for me to move on... what to do... idk and ill figure it out someway or another. Anyway, right now im with steph and after ill probally hang out with kristina, i wana see her so bad! i miss my zeeby :( me and steph are walking to target soon, so im gunna go get ready to go. write later possibly, probs not tho. goodbye<3

i love you!! 

oh fuck so i miss you. I feel like my whole body hurts and its not a gud feeling at all. like the same feeling when i had to say i wanted to just be friends and that time at the movies...i dont want to relive those memories. I want you back so bad and talking to u makes me want you even more. Its so sad how im still talking about this kid. I moved on and im able to date other guys but if he came to my front step and told me that hes sorry and that he wants us to work out and asked me out right on the spot, ide say yes in a heartbeat. and now im rly stressed cuz this guy liks me and idk what to do about him, i like him too but i just have this feeling like i dont wana go out with him but i do and i feel funny. idk if hes right, hes never had a gf and ide be his first and idk how hed act if i went out with him. im just scared :/ idk whyy. I want to see if theres other guys out there which i know there is. Idk i just want to stay single and have the option to look at other guys because oviously hes over me and moved on but if he changed his mind ide go right back to him. hes the only exception. All i have in my head is memories of him and me and how we used to hold hands and never let go. i miss that so much and when im completly over him i will be able to have the same feelings toward another guy. I want to completely move on but i just cant, its impossible! no one knows how hard it is to just say "i dnt like him" cuz i still do but i dont. Whatever, srry if this is all over the place, i need to learn how to organize my thoughts better but its hard to do that when ur confused how u feel :/

...if only brittany's head was kristina's. I've been thinking lately, if all my friends and I could just go back to 8th grade. the grade where barley any drama happened. before everyone has stress and bad things in their lives. 8th grade was the best year ever. The best teachers and friends. There was no worries, only school ones. There was no fights except one and i didn't even mind becasue she isnt really worth it now. School wasn't such a hasle and as important as it is now. It was the grade where everyone went out with a guy and had no problem breaking their heart. Of course you felt bad but it wasn't really consitered "dating." If we could just go back in time and do it all over again, i would. I'de do anything to bring me and my friends to that time period. and back to their time of happiness. Right now im really not that happy. Everyone isnt happy. Everyone has problems and even if it's not my problem, i still care and it does affect me. I don't like to see my friends upset. Im also upset about what i talked about last time. Thats my issue. I want these issues not to matter like they didnt in 8th grade.
So yah, anyway. Yesterday was extremely fun. I hung out with steph to make kristinas gift and then jen came over to sleep here. Steph (cousin) actually came too. i never rly see her and i was glad she came but she had to leave at 11 becasue she has softball in the morning. We played monapoly and made funny videos and just had a gud time in general-we always do. I fell asleep really late and woke up at 12. not the best of ideas consittering that now alot of the day is gone lol. So whateverr. Today me jen kyle and my mom went to Morean's Kitchen- one of the greatest resturants everrr! Afterwards jen went home and i went to my grandmas house, im actually still here. It's really boring over here, everyone's older and theres no one i can talk to except kyle who doesnt get anythng. seriously. and when i talk to my mom about things she goes and tells my grandma. my grandma is what u call, "old fashioned", she doesnt know the life of 15 year old girl. Everything i do im "spoiled" and bratty. im really not that bad, i think. My dad pisses me off the most. He goes and tells me that he doesnt mind getting a tatto when im older or a bellybutton ring but when my mom brings it up he doesnt back me up. he always does that. He never backs me up. He never sticks to plan and never listens to what i want. all he cares about is himself. I told him i didnt want him smoking anymore and he doesnt care. I told him he never has anything nice to say to me but yet still he yells at me and never says anything nice. And when ever were in the middle of talking about something hell go and talk to his friends or someone else becasue he hates talking to me. u just know. he gets mad over everything i say. he's a real asshole sometimes and i told him to his face cuz i JUST DONT CARE. i want to let him know becasue he is one most of the time. My mom even says it and my friends...everyone notices. He's mean and gets pissed off over stupid shit and i dnt know how much longer i can take it. He doesnt appriate me or my mom, only my brother. why is my brother so special? becasue he agrees with u on everything?...well im sorry to say but im not always gunna be nicey nice to u when u act like a real jerk.

so yahhh, i feel like i havnt written in my blog in forever, i guess i havnt had the time but now i do. Theres not much to say about my day except that i went in the pool and hungout with my brother all day, then went out to dinner with my dad. not much of a day at all :/, got kinda wasted. i wish i coulda went out somewhere like to the church thing i was suposed to go to or maybe someones house to hangout with mah friends. whatever, theres plenty more days ahead. tomarrow im seeing steph and it shall be pretty funnnn. Afterwards jens comin here and sleepover. So im looking foward to this :).

Blahh. im just feeling so empty. somethings missing. i need something exciting to happen. i dont get many of those days. Im feeling a bit lonely too. seeing all these new relationships, i rly dnt know how i feel of it. depressed? no. angry? ehh. jelous? yes. I cant say im not becasue i am. people can just like someone so fast and stick with it. My feelings hit hard and then fly out the window. Thats exactly why i can't handle a boyfriend. i really want one. I want someone to call mine. but i cant do it. its literally impossible for me. and im sick and tired of it. I sometimes cry over it when no ones sees. All my older cousins are getting married. it didnt take long either. They are able to stick with one guy and like them ALL the time. I seriously don't know if i could do that. am i just not finding the right guys? i dont even know. right now, im liking this one guy on and off. Im starting to feel like im liking this guy just becasue theresno one to hold on to. Like, do i just want attention or a boyfriend? idk. wen im alone i think of hima nd i realize how great a guy he is and then other times i dont want to like him. maybe just as a friend. ug! but theres so much i like about him. im just so jumbled. im glad i said something to him otherwise hed se me as a fool. I do like him, im not lying but its not the same. I miss that neverending, stomach churning, butterfly feeling i had. i dont have that feeling with him, i can just lay back and feel...normal? idk if taht means that hes a friend? or that i can be myself around him? im not getting answers. :/

PS- 4th of july was AMAZINGG =D

the other day me, steph and danielle were at my house until 2:30. I went back to my cousins house to babysit since my aunt was out as usual. Wasn't really much of a day. We sat around until my uncle dave got home. He drove us to Danielle's friends' house to swim and hangout, only for an hour though. The water was quite warm. I was surprised since it was one of the first nice days of summer. I went back to danielle's house, we sat around and watched The Nanny until 12:00 at night and i wound up sleeping over. She had camp in the morning so i had to go home really early. It's not fun waking up at 9 am when u had 5 hours asleep...again! I got home and no one was there. both my parents were working and it was really awkward.. i really had no idea what to do so i forced my brother to go in the pool with me for a while. Later on steph ad hallie called and they came over along with kristina to go in the pool. We barley did anything but i had fun. Love them all<3  After we all went to friendlys along with my cousin jen. Jen came back to my house until 10:30 and my aunt drove me to stephs to sleepover. Me and her both decided to watch PS I Love You which is absolutly one of the best movies. We didn't finsih it but it's okay, we've both seen it about 2,000 times. lmao. Well now im sitting here in stephs room waiting for Joan to drive us to my house to swim for a bit....and do the laundry x_x